167

I could link to a million posts about this one, but awhile back when I was really heavy and had just torn my ACL and was sort of freaked out by not being able to workout to balance out all the crap I was eating I decided to follow the FAA food plan.  It was life changing and I was changing, not just my weight, but my taste buds. I craved salad and veggies and genuinely wanted to eat clean and healthy.  I was on this path for I'd say 6 months or so, then BAM as quickly as I changed my ways, I was back to eating crap and it all started with 1 cookie.

I'd like to blame that cookie, but I know that I was itching to eat junky stuff, was lax on my food plan and was allowing more sugars and bad carbs in.  So while that cookie in a weird way gave me permission to eat "bad" it also signified that I may have an actual problem with food.

I have become very aware that I am a carboholic.  I crave goldfish crackers, bagels and pizza.  In my mind those foods equal a complete full balanced day's worth of meals. I could be completely happy and content.  But I know better. 

This  blog has allowed me to write out some feelings about food and life and running and balance, but it has also shown me that my way is not the best way - when I try to diet, I fail, and I fail because I go crazy carb heavy and my body rebels. And OH MY is my body rebelling.

I have been feeling pretty crappy, stomach pain, lethargic (despite at least 7-8 hours of sleep on the reg).  My face has been feeling numb, just weird stuff.  I've also been eating pizza, bagels and instead of the goldfish, PB Cheerios. Tons of flour and wheat, which means time to cut it out.  I've always followed  up on celiac and gluten sensitivity.  I think I secretly hoped that I too would have celiacs so I would be forced to cut out the flour's and wheat's for real.  I guess I have been looking for that easier softer way. But I'm here to tell you, no dice on the easier softer way, success = work.

So this morning I weighed myself.  I'm 167.  I'm usually between 164 and 167, I will back up my weight on the gym scale tomorrow (day off today).  I will work for this.  I will earn it.  I might cry, but I want to be in a bikini and I will make that happen.  I will plan meals and workouts and stick to the meal planning (the working out is easy peasy, I love it and rarely miss unless something really comes up).

I will do this because seriously, how many times am I going to say and not do?

I may even join a contest on a forum somewhere (maybe on Daily Plate or Runners World...anywhere) so that I am extra accountable.

I just know that I HAVE to do this.  I want to feel kick ass good and not have a flabby stomach. I want to be successful at the last thing I'm having trouble finding success with.  I have let go of the fear, I have the willingness and I have the drive.

So today I'm 167. Let's see where I am at next Monday...