When I was Heavy

I really love running. I'm sometimes so amazed by this fact because I was fat, like woa fat. I lost and have kept off about 46 pounds, although the original total was closer to 53.

You can really see the difference here:

Today I'm in the low 160's...hoping to get to the 140's, or whatever weight will make me look good in a bikini.

Even when I was heavy I was a somewhat active - a spin class here and there, a few Century rides, but I was not fit. Today I'm active and fit and so, so grateful. I can walk up stairs and not get winded, I can run, I can swim, I can go faster than the skinny girls out there. I may not be exactly where I want to be size wise, but I'm happy and that's what really matters.

Being so heavy was not pleasant, but I was a huge self medicator so I don't think I really ever knew how bad I felt, I just know it was a bad time. It's been a few years with the weight off and I've never been happier, like seriously wake up everyday happy.

So how did I do it?

I was literally brought to my knees with powerlessness. I tore my ACL about 4 years ago skiing, at that time I was maybe 180ish (on the high side after losing about 20lbs on Jenny Craig), working out and running but still heavy. I went skiing, fell on a mogul and bammm, no more working out. I had heard about a food support group, FAA and I decided to check it out. I went to the meetings, followed the food plan and lost the weight. I eventually started eating "normal" and gained back about 15 pounds, which I have lost about half of that.

I struggle with bad carbs and I had pretty much eliminated all sugar/flour/wheat from my diet. Grains, rice and potatoes were ok, but the stuff that kills me were eliminated - pizza, bagels, brownies - the stuff that I seriously love to eat.

Today I'm working to figure out a balance and believe it or not, I'm almost back to where I was - I just hurt that same knee all over again and I need to reevaluate my food and how I'm eating.

This morning while driving to work I was thinking about that day 4 years ago and how I was so afraid that I would gain weight by not being able to exercise, I was pretty much panicked (which for me usually means powerless) and so my journey began.

I'm wondering if the same thing is happening to me again? I clearly see that I exercise to sometimes compensate for what I'm eating - I don't do this in a disordered way, but I won't worry about the bagel if I know I'm going to run, which is probably why my weight isn't really moving much.

I've been posting about goals and weight and all that, but being back in pain with the though of not being able to run off the Goldfish crackers leaves me to believe that my higher power may just be doing for me what I can't(or won't) do for myself. Some food for thought (pun intended), but entirely possible...